I'm in your bed right now
Okay meet you there give me 10
Don't think you can make me leave either
Give me ten I ha e to be ******'s wingman I want you
Yah, I definitely wouldn't wanna be fingered with a fake arm...
There are taser marks on me. Your face flashed before my eyes when i woke up and saw them.
Can you explain to me the broken disco ball in my front yard?
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
You're fine
I'm hiding in my chest because my walls smell weird. I'm not fine.
he got kicked out of the bar for falling asleep on the mechanical bull.. then freaked on us cause we wouldnt go to the strip club with him
I'm sorry. I just realized our 'big night out' ended up being you driving my high ass to get burritos and back.
So my nipple piercings were only $20 because it's breast cancer awareness month. Fuck yes!
My dad is so drunk he attempted to ride my two year old cousin's tricycle. For a solid five minutes.
Get up, biotch, before I come traipsing in there to rip apart whatever god-forsaken spoon you have going on between the two of you and your dog.
Apparently he walked into the room and started yelling at some huge hairy dude to get out of my room. Except it wasn't my room... Because he was on the fourth floor.
I'm moving out of my place and I just gave my mom a couch that I had sex on last night. Reduce, reuse, recycle at its best.
Nothing showshows the government the middle finger more than spending your tax refund on drugs
Attention, i sprayed windex on me to disguise the scent of sex and regret off my clothes from last night
Randomize
