just jacked off in the bed i was conceived in.
She's pissed. She declared she was moving out and proceeded to pack 3 pairs of shoes, her electric wine opener and ONE sock. Then told us to have fun paying her portion of the rent.
is cock-oriented a word? I'd say I'm that lately.
Saw on the news tonight that Hamilton county's syphilis rate is 9x the national average...use protection!
Thanks, mom.
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
Fuck I am starving. I don't think I've eaten in the past two days.
You didnt need to. Gin is like eggs, its a perfectly nutrionally balanced meal.
Dude he downed 9 shots of tequila, sang bohemian rhapsody with 3 randoms Wayne's world style, solo'd closing time, chased the hot bartender's dog all the way to main, tackled him, carried him back, hot bar tender hugged AND kissed him, then he does a jumping heel click and leaps into my car through the window. Next rounds free at the yeti. Needless to say your little brother is a tequila god.
Basically.
You need to stop me from lighting my hand on fire next time we're working
the kid next to me in math class is drawing gay porn. it's good, but that is beside the point
Did I let your boyfriend smear a banana into my face last night? Because I have pictures that are telling me I did....
I just traded a couple nudes for pizza delivery. Call me lazy, easy, or an entrepreneur, but either way I'll have dominoes in 15 minutes.
Omg. Tonight might be the night I masturbate thinking of a smoothie!
He's actually really cute and seems like a good guy. And given that he likes lots of drugs, he could come in handy.
THIS FUCKNUGGET
DOES HE EVEN REALIZE HOW MANY INCREDIBLE INSULTS I'VE WASTED ON HIM
I'VE INSULTED THE EVERLOVING SHIT OUT OF HIM AND HE CAN'T EVEN APPRECIATE IT
THE HO
Just went to jump into bed... Completely missed the bed.
Randomize
