You found a girl to hook up with at a gay bar?
No. His name was Paco. I didn't get it by choice. I never had a hickey before.
but his dog just died...ill send him an edible arrangement or a 6 pack or something
she's got that wholesome 16 and pregnant look.
we're making bets on your personal life
How long is it safe to eat only Hot Pockets and Popsicles?
i have wind burn on my face from my head hanging out the window of the cab vomitting
I feel like i got beat with a pillowcase full of tequila shots.
I kept trying to give you water and you kept spitting it back at me. You looked like a camel. People were staring
I've reached too hung over to move status will you bring me something to drink?
I moved out 2 weeks ago remember?
Can you ship it to me then?
Ill tap morse code on the ceiling when im ready for you to come down amd smoke
Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
Love you too. There are very few people I let pee in my dishwasher.
Next time I feel awkward in a situation I'm going to just yell "free bird!!!!" Like some redneck at lynyrd skynyrd show
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
Sexting just isn't as much fun once you learn how bad he is in bed...
Randomize
