i miss you so much
i miss you too
oops, did i send that to you? i meant to send it to the money you owe me
Also there's a dick sized hole in my tights...should I be worried?
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
I puked right in front of him after winning beer olympics and he still hooked up with me. My life is so easy.
Dude. This guy has a ketchup bottle full of jello shots. Best. Thing. Ever.
I was having trouble getting it up so she grabbed it and said "no, it's too big to fail"
He said bow chicka bow wow. I never thought being sexually degraded would be such a turn on.
If I walk in on you beating off, at least have the fucking decency to STOP BEATING OFF!
Whatever you didn't send me pics of you topless making bacon
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
Always a gay best friend, never a bridesmaid
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
Overall a good night - broke my toe giving that cop a blowjob though...so there's that...
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"
Remember that time I came to London for 4 hours, got hammered, cried for an hour and then left.
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