first missing my period. then crying at the clinic... but why?
we had sex 3 months ago. you missed your period 2 weeks ago. but nice try.
you traded sex for a burrito?
the last thing i remember is you screaming lets hunt humans.
my boss told me he would look for my wallet when he went back to the strip club tonight.
We talk about tequila and blow jobs the way that normal people talk about the news and the weather.
He got thrown out for leaning over the bar topless and pouring himself some beer while singing the james bond song
The leasing office is hiring, so I gave them my resume and class schedule. I doubt they'll call me considering last summer at their "exotic animal" pool party I marched in with a funnel and demanded the employees chug. I doubt they've forgotten.
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
I think I just asked the Greek gyro guy on a yoga date.
I told you, we're just gonna get ripped and light sparklers
This is one of those times I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and punch myself in the face to make me realize what I need to do before it's too late
We had sex in the morning in pregnant lady position. Like fuck me like the hott piece of ass that I am, not your wife of 7 years.
VOOOODKA VOOODKA WE PLEDGE OUR LOVE TO THEEEE VODKAAAA VODKAAAA SAVIOR OF LIBERTYYYY
If I make it home without being sick in this captain's hat it will be a fucking miracle.
All the movies on cable here are either porn or Bollywood. I am never leaving this hotel.