Pre-pickelized cucumber-hand invasion!! RUN!!!!!!!!!!
i was sitting in the back seat of her car with her boyfriend while she was driving. it was pretty awkward, but i dont think "so my dick's been in your girl's mouth too" was a good ice breaker
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
Either allow it in a formal toast or i will drunkenly tell your in-laws while i'm dancing on their table. either way, the truth is coming out
Just thinking about this summer makes me feel a slight tingle of an orgasm mixed with a twinge of regret as the cold ghostly feeling of multiple hangovers creep into my body.
I can't believe he just friend zoned me like that.
Dude, you're not even gay.
So I got my junk pierced since we've fucked. You should get in on this.
Trying to roll joints on a seadoo in the middle of a lake on a windy night. -Juststonerthings
Named all the presidents in order between puke sessions while semi conscious so that's a thing I can do now
your girlfriend showed us your homemade porn last night.
When I finally came to, I was in the DJ booth wearing his headphones while he was spinning. That's all I got.
Haha we both slept with guys named Brad born on may 1st. This is a proud day for sisters.
Last night I recall my hair going up in flames. This is evident by the burnt hair smell that is following me around this morning
I went to steal condoms from your room and all I could find was chik fil a sauce
I know you told me I shouldn't go see him...that's why I'm texting you letting you know I made it home safe from his house this morning
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