I am puke
Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
She brought an overnight bag to my party. Might as well have shown up wearing only a thong and a bottle of whip cream in her hand.
Of course it's dangerous. Why else would they hire us after we failed the drug test?
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I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
There's just something about sucking a flaccid dick that makes me feel so calm. Like a baby cow..
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
no, that was the night I slathered your dick in the icing from my birthday cake
Even jesus won't love me after tonight. I'm going hard.
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Ok now I cleared out half the bar and Em and I have 5 Jameson shots lined up for you. You have 15 min.
If you take a couple more shots you won't even know he's a mormon that drives a mini van.
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
I just shaved my pubes into a heart shape. if that doesn't scream romantic idk what does
my liver is dry heaving
Blacked out and Irish exited last night. At dinner. On a Sunday.