Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
Come in. Grab a controller and a beer. We've got some Madden to beat.
You're the best girlfriend ever.
I'm hoping you can explain why I woke up with what I believe is pumpkin pie all over my body
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It was also my first failed attempt at shower sex.
i have a wrist watched drawn on my wrist that it says shot o clock
Please please please tell me that is not a pringles container full of pee that your little brother just got a hold of.....
I'm sorry. I know you didn't expect me to be arm deep in vagina when you walked through the door.
She was mid-sentence and then BOOM the hammock broke off the tree. I about pissed myself. Hot Sprite and Vodka make the world go round.
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Absinthe night with my dad again, I could get used to this being home thing.
HIV testing and a light brunch. Sounds like a great way to spend Christmas Eve.
Maybe you'll have a Christmas miracle
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
Do you think I'm short enough to dress up in a ghost costume and go trick or treating and have people believe that I'm actually a child?
I didnt realize until i got your email that what i've been missing in my life is someone to send me dog gifs
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.