No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
i mistaked the back of her knee for her vagina
Dont judge me. Him and his friends got me drunk for free, the least i could do was suck his dick
The plants looked thirsty. Growing plants need mimosas too.
I am trying to figure out how to tell this kid i have a boyfriend in a way that still allows me to smoke free weed
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
I'm still not a hundred percent.. I haven't shit anything solid in two days.. I have pulled my puker muscles and I can't take deep breaths cuz of other unidentified muscles/maybe heart attack
Well this lady at the bar told me I was a natural on the tambourine and that it was my God given talent. and then she gave me a tambourine.
Then he kept saying sentences and ending them all with "the point of no return" even if it didn't make sense, and kept telling this other guy he wouldn't be his "wife son"
You mAke me stone. Stone fuck fucking stoned. I'm an stoned you cuz now fucking stoned stoned fucking stoned I stone.
Wear whatever you want, I'm wearing ass-less chaps and a sombrero
your ability to divide cases of beer among any given group of people equally was missed.
We can get high as fuck when there are no orders. If not its cool. I just figured Take Your Blunt Buddy To Work Day.
Dad danced with a girl half his age and her boyfriend just sat at the bar and waited for dad to be done. I bought pity nachos.
If you get any calls give me a heads up. Im drinking rum in my underwear on the back porch.
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