two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
It's like the Sean Connery of vaginas. You don't mess with it.
bubblegum was invented today. we're getting drunk. end of story.
New game: Step 1) Turn on ESPN. Step 2) Drink every time someone says "LeBron."
I woke up and found 10 txts from him. All sent at 6:30 am, and all about the muffin man.
I woke up in bed alone w 2 bite marks on my boob... Salt and pepper shakers In my purse along w a bottle of steak sauce.... The drunkasauraus has struck again
This is now the friendly bartender typing for him. He wants to be on you. He is going to "destroy your vagina". Good luck and sorry if this woke you up!
Oh that's what I forgot last night.. To make out with her.
I don't give a shit if she's homeless, if you're gunna live outside el pollo loco and act like a bitch I'm squirting you with my water bottle
Dude are you wearing a trashbag right now?....
I seemed to have misplaced my pants...
Well I took a spicy wing shit in a field this morning.
A guy with a mustache poured a beer down your throat while you had a crippled boy named Sunshine riding your back
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
He sent me a pic and then I suffered dick amnesia about the rest of that
Nice classy night out before we roll our faces off
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