I am pretty sure he just licked my hand while trying to sing goo goo dolls iris to me. Get me out of this state.
history professor just told us he has magic fingers. i'm going for it.
all i remember is screaming butter knifes are for pussies.
I think I should receive an honorary Heisman... I mean, I did sleep with two of the finalists
I lost a little respect for your boyfriend when I learned that he has a scar from a Cheerio.
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
This is that think about life weed. Thank god I'm in American lit this semester. I can actually write papers in this vat of introspective stoned.
she opened a can of olives, drained the juice and poured ranch dressing in. oh and 'croutons' (saltines) on top...
holy shit the woman im hooking up with is closer to my moms age than my own
Do I get bonus points if I get lockjaw after a cosmic blowjob?
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
I just tried to dye my pubic hair teal for her
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
