Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
i cant even explain all the reasons why i dont want to fuck you right now.
I would have been "that girl" at the party last night if it wasn't for that girl who puked in the potted plant...
Why did that cocktail waitress get to sleep with Tiger for 2 years, and all I ever got for living in Whorelando for five years is a couple of pictures with Joey Fatone
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Thank you for getting us into that car accident. I have had more guys hit on me than ever before because of my broken fingers.
why is my new profile picture on Facebook one of me with a bunch of strangers on an elevator?
in literally every picture i'm wearing less and less of my costume.
My liver hurts and I just woke up from my first sleep in two days
Sounds like the perfect vacation
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
Hi I haven't talked to you since you bought legal marijuana-are you still stoned?
I just wrote the Drag Queen from Saturday Night on FB and apologized for licking her. Weirdest thing I have ever typed...
PokemonGo as navigation to get some at 5:13 AM. Life choices, yo.
She rode me wearing nothing but a Santa hat. Merriest fucking Christmas!
You can make out without kissing
Explanation needed
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