After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
You just kept rubbing her head and repeating "I really like your head, I want your head..." over and over for like 10 minutes straight... And she didnt even stop you.
The first song on his sex mix was "highway to the danger zone"
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
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i was about to rearrange the room but realized that this is the only efficient setup where we can have sex while the other one's asleep without them accidentally seeing.
Just violated the laws of fuck-buddyship and talked to him about my personal life. I don't like it.
just got booed by the entire restaurant.
I kinda volunteered your dick to help her deal with her virginity issues. Figured you wouldn't mind.
Please don't mistake my med student status for responsibility. I'm drinking tequila while studying vascular surgery techniques.
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True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.
If I die, let him know that his penis was the last penis I saw. And I'm happy about that.
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
When was the last time you wore pants?
Time is relative.
And pants are optional.
Is there a nice, calm way of telling your friend/housemate/former lover/person who does not reciprocate your feelings that your period is late?
Randomize