I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
Well maybe next time you won't tell me to do whatever I want.
Theres a baby at this concert double fisting pacifiers. shes gunna do great in college.
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
Sweetie, don't go home with him. You can do so much better. Everyone else at the bar agrees.
it would be so handy to have a fax machine attached to my body
I wish I could understand how you function in society
Breaking into his house to steal the sheets I'd drunk pissed on before he got home was not how I wanted to be spending spring break
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
Can I join you for some emotional "Post: The Ohio State University's first lose in football after a 24 game winning streak" sex?
I need to wear something that says I would have sex with you but I'm not going to
In 18 months of being married we've had sex with 7 different couples. Who said you can't have your cake and eat it.
I found myself looking up beard accounts while masturbating, I guess that's what it's come to.
Im playing a game I have to take a drink every time my gram asks me the same question hammered by 4 guaranteed...
I’m home.
I’m aware. I just dropped you off.
Randomize
