I got chris browned last night
she makes me feel like im THAT guy in the taylor swift song
So... 5th graders can't whisper for shit, but apparently I have an awesome rack.
Haha. Niice.
Yeah, I didn't know whether to be shocked or flattered.
both.
Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
I woke up wearing nothing but his lifeguard whistle..
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
I'm basically just sitting in the porta poTty finishing my bottle of champagne bc I am too lazy to carry it back to the tailgate
The best way to start drinking is as early as possible. eg, this bar isn't open but we're patiently waiting outside. That way you're confident and exciting when the talent arrives. Or too drunk to care.
Someone took a picture of their balls on my phone last night. BEAUTIFUL PACKAGE. I will find this man.
He threw up the X he took like 30min before then when we thought his antics were over... BOOM! He tried to pee out a light he was holding.
I blew him while he was standing up and he drooled on my head
We 6 way cheers-ed with French fries last night, hammered, in the booth.
he has this weird thing where he watches me pee
I mean we don't talk anymore but I still see him around wearing that sweater he stole from me after we had sex
Get the fuck in, we're going to Taco Bell.
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