where are you
in your bedroom
how did you get in
your wife…
WTF
i wish peter jackson would direct porn
Just so you know, coffee creamer+water does not = milk.
You were pissed we didn't change the movie to Eurotrip so you kept singing "Scotty Doesn't Know" over and over until you passed out.
She got a text from her mom saying "you better not sleep with him, we all know how he is". IV ONLY BEEN HERE A WEEK
we are sitting in a kindergarden classroom alone chugging beer. look at our lives. look at our choices.
Youre the drunk baby that everyone wants to take care of.
Every girl my sister has brought home from college I've had sex with, check and mate motherfucker
I was paranoid that someone would jizz in my hair while I had the cucumbers over my eyes. Super-High Spa Day didnt work out.
what's the proper way to say, "I'm sorry for puking on you and your bed mid hook up then going downstairs and fucking your roommate because you locked me out of your room completely naked...?"
fuck whipped cream. I'd eat vegetables off those abs
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
Kinda hard to look your partner in the face the day after a rousing game of How Many Ways Can I Capture Your Penis.
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
Randomize
