Locked eyes w/ her at mainstreet, and said 'yeah yeah get it!' From there we started violently making out on the dancefloor (I had a FULL boner, ps) and then I got her number
You should come over. I am making a celebratory I got laid by a huge penis cake.
sweetheart all i remember is you throwing up and saying "i thought things would be better now that barack obama is president"
He tipped the stripper with quarters. After that not even the waitress would talk to us. I had to move to another table to get a lapdance
All the girls at the party had American flag thongs on... Pretty impressed with coordination seeing as how impromptu this event was
It was an 11am booty call. We were both out of our element.
Oh boy...do i want the 'something you can tell your mom in 10 yrs' version or the 'Im gonna call you a whore but be proud' version?
we were hooking up and then he goes "you can touch my penis" and i laughed too hard to do anything. no second date.
Hypothetical Question: Would you take a cougar bullet for me?
Please don't mistake my med student status for responsibility. I'm drinking tequila while studying vascular surgery techniques.
tonights mission is daddy issue patrol - we wear old spice and drink gin martinis and see who reacts.
like stop just cause your whole life has been one enormous reject pile does not mean that i have to suffer too
I want you to know that the guy who peed in your bed got fat.
I tired using vodka to remove my makeup
just said thank you to the lady who gave me a body search at the airport
Randomize
