Tell her to not eat the pizza she threw up on.
Just saw the first guy i ever slept with in drag. I can hear my grandfather saying "i knew she was a lesbian" somewhere
I taped Calvin and Kyles heads together face to face while they were passed out. You should have seen them stumbling around using hungover teamwork trying to find scissors.
I feel a bullet train of disappointment headed in your direction.
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We are smoking a hash blunt ... Bring your emergency inhaler
Well, I found my bra. It's in my glove compartment with a half-eaten Snickers bar and a Jesus bookmark.
i woke up in his neighbors pool house. Not sure how I got here but there is people swimming outside. how do I escape?
just fucking run.
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
She's crying about either her ex boyfriend, her one night stand, or her own puke. None of those is worth the tears.
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New low reached: a cockroach has actually drowned itself in our dirty dishes. We are heathens. Cleaning dance party tonight. No excuses.
REWARD BLOWJOB!! STAY RIGHT WHERE YOU ARE I'LL BE THERE IN FIVE MINUTES.
So last night I turned down multiple drinks because "I didn't want to hold them". It's time reevaluate my decisions
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
He's a Republican and an Ohio State fan idk how far this can go.
We are best friends because we can vomit simultaneously in the same toilet and not care
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