I have glitter on my penis. Do you know anything about this?
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
In retrospect - making it rain salt all over our kitchen was not one of my best ideas.
Showed up 2 hours late and still drunk nobody gave me a high five. This intership is bullshit.
Watching crazy stupid love and drinking alone isn't what I thought it was gonna be
Its TONS better. Expect a drunk dial at 11:54
Now you have tequila AND fuzzy slippers. Fuck you. I want that to be MY night.
If you've never yelled, "fuck you ray Lewis" in front of your 87 year old grandfather you haven't lived
I did the walk of shame this morning and his mom hugged me in the driveway
Had the best sex Thursday night then Friday night I met his girlfriend. The worst thing is we became friends like she gave me her number.
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
He wants another date...I mean he's cute, but I just am not ready to give up my glamorous single-girl lifestyle here.
you mean the one where you drink out of the carton and don't wear pants?
Yeah, and pee with the door open. It's the little things.
Who brings nunchucks to a funeral?
WHY HAVE SO MANY THING GONE IN MY BUTT ON THIS TRIP
it's a shower with the lights off kind of day
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
DO IT!
Randomize
