I took a shit in your bathtub. Nothings off limits
chimney cleaner pole that expands when button is pushed then pull out. Remember that. We have to patent it.
Who are you high with right now?
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
Yeah... I still gave her a hug because I felt really bad though. I mentioned that my boyfriends grandma just died too, just to reinforce that I'm straight afterwards.
Nothing like an alcohol-fueled, 6-hour-long hunt for weed--complete with occasional breaks for sex.
I had to run home with my hands covering my tits this morning. How does this keep happening?
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
Just turned down sex because it's a holy day of obligation, my mom would be proud.
He was on my bed looking at me like a sacrifice to the gods of gay sex and he's definitely a bottom. Like Jesus Christ a really, really great ass of a bottom.
You would think a husband, a boyfriend, and a vibrator would be enough. But sadly it's not
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
Meh, all I have to do tomorrow is proctor an AP test. No loud noises and no physical activity allowed for almost 4 hours. Sounds like the perfect recovery period for a hangover.
I would rather suck a dick or two than go there
He's throwing Skittles into my cleavage and some are rebounding into my crouch.
Well he's scoring either way then.
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
Randomize
