Joe is yelling at the trees again.
Aren't I supposed to sit on your face?
Hey its bob the builder. Where did you go?
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
I just used my glow stick from the dance to find my way in the bathroom to puke. Who wants me on their corporate team
just found out they live across the street from coke dealers... rethinking the new years resolution
Yes. I am getting trashed on an open tab while judging a karoke competition
Impressive. I approve.
You called me at 3 am and I rode my flat ass bike that I dug out of my garage in the dark to meet you at dunkin donuts for a 10 minute convo about your mother and you didn't drive me home.
you owe me a blunt and a bottle of moscato.
IM WAITING BITCH. ANSWER ME.
She makes margaritas with lemon-lime 5 hour energy..thats brilliant
and you were wondering how she got into Harvard
Not many people can say they've been photo bombed by an antelope. I sure did.
your penis is a great and majestic leader among the penises.
I'm covered in jizz and the toll booth lady knew it
The neighbors ahemed the WHOLE time. Their kids are the ones that scream loud enough for me to remember my birth control. It's payback!
In order to get rid of my bladder infections I must give up caffeine, nicotine and tight pants. It's like my pussy is an angry dictator or something
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
Randomize
