I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
if the best thing you can say about him is "he probably wont kill me" you may want to rethink hanging out with him
Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
It's ok I'm watering my plants with a 40 in my camelback, people are staring
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
I IMAGINED YOU YELLING SURPRISE WITH JAZZ HANDS. AND I LOVE YOU FOREVER
We celebrated International Women's Day by spending $700 and taking our tops off at the strip club
The boys offered to pay but we went halfs because we're feminists
So maybe I got drunk and hooked up with him in a hot tub? I mean that's nothing to be ashamed of, that kind of takes talent. I'd drown.
My dog is now used to me drunk singing and sleeps through it. I don't know how I feel about this
I'll just give him your contact info, and you'll somehow manage to get laid. Which will make me feel like your vagina's agent or something.
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
His name was toto. That should have been my red flag
last night we watched this really loud chick try and pick up this smoking french guy who's english was sooo bad. she finally pointed at her beer and then her vagine
gross
like you've never done an interperative dance for sex, please
She said my mask was creepy, took it off with her teeth, and proceeded to bite my neck. I love vampires.
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