I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
Were not really friends so much as I suck his dick a lot
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
Best part of failing a semester of college: not having to buy books next semester. I can drink to that
I'm lost. Please come find me. I'm inside the I-270 circle somewhere. I can hear laughing.
He told me he loved me. I didn't know what to say so i just squirted the baby oil at him
Relaxed was like phase 1 of this phase 7 high
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
Stop making fun of my hookups!
Stop getting hookups that I can make fun of!
The police officer that arrested me Friday night just bought me a shot
Yea and there’s destruction when we’re together, mostly of our livers but W/e
My sister and her gf showed up at my door with no pants on at 4 AM talking claiming its hot.
If he moved really quickly from "hi I've had a crush on you for years" to "send nudes" you probably were used.
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
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