She punched me in the face after i pulled it out and grabbed my cell phone. Ill be the one hiding in the bushes with one shoe.
Does slim fast make a chocolate heart for valentines? If so that's what she's getting.
the protein jug says add 2 scoops to your favorite beverage. guess who just found a way to make sam adams healthy? THIS GUY
I'm handcuffed to the toilet. Don't ask
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
Why do i even want him? It's like his dick is a trophy and I need to put it on my wall of shame.
Nope, I'm sticking to passive aggressive punishments. Like mismatching his socks and cumming on his leather couch. OCD is so wonderful.
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
I'm staying in tonight, it's my Christmas present to my liver.
The last bar we left there was a sausage stand right outside and I apparently felt bad those guys were working that late, so I bought a $9 sausage, gave it to some drunk kid and said "I support local businesses!!" I'd say I've done my civic duty.
No, no. The rest of his everything inspires me to put his dick in my mouth
I went through his pics. Will you go with me to get tested?
My girl came home. i was jacking off on the couch and she just starts telling me about her day, as if im not half naked with my hand on my cock.
should i save it for someone special or be a feminist and be like "my vagina doesnt define me"
I'll text you when I have a mental breakdown about it.
Please do.
Randomize