Strawberries are so good its weird that food is growable
There's a naked kid on the floor on your side of the bed. Don't freak out when you wake up. I think we need to fix the lock on the door...
She started acting like she was actually a deaf person...so I went along with it and acted like her interpreter. I don't think anyone bought it.
the night got glorious when you tried to do an upside down keg stand with a near empty key and dropped it on your face
If he's dead I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys and his tooth in my purse.
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
GOOD NIGHT DREAM OF ALCOHOL SNO CONES
If she makes a move, pretend to have a seizure.
I'm basically a mama hen. I keep them warm and let them wonder around the house. not to mention, I keep eye on them just in case the falcons around the house try to snatch them away.
I don't even know what to say right now
You puked on my feet last night. You owe me a pedicure.
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
I also have bagel bites. I know that's not as big an incentive as the cocksucking but.....
Everyone should just give me a copy of their keys. I take your dog out and I bring beer.
Of course I'm watching space shows while stoned on the science channel. Why would I want to learn while not baked out of my skull?
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