Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
She just tagged pictures of you wrapped in the "above the influence banner" like a toga.
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
In one night, this kid threw a firecracker under a fucking cop car, crashed three seperate parties, and passed out in a tree in our backyard. Do you even know who he is?
Don't let her tell you any different. She licked the balls of my hamster for that $100. It was a group bet. She won.
She had me dip my balls in cake batter ice cream from cold stone and then tea bag her. Let's get weird just got a whole new meaning.
My favorite bartender added me on Facebook. Now he can clearly see how under 21 I am
She judged ME for picking my nose when SHE has the clap.
Moments after comforting her about her boyfriend issues I found myself in the other room showing him my tits.
I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.
PS my house is a mess.
pps I have a rash on my face.
You rolled onto your side and told me 'this is the recovery position'. That was after you were stoned. You've done this way too much.
She's in labor and I'm doing shots. Whose the real winner here?
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
Randomize
