I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
i'm 67% sure he was trying to sing in hawaiian
did you seriously make the punch out of vodka and food coloring
Dont even bother asking why she was dancing with him on top of a door, let alone how the door ended up being used as a table.
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
When he goes down on me, he stares me in the eyes like a shark mocking it's prey as it devours it. Plus, his beard smells like dirty gym socks. This has got to end.
The trees feel like magic. Come fly to taco bell with me.
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
Pencil dick carries the name proudly.
I'm going through our high school yearbook trying to find what boys I want to hook up with this summer. We graduated four years ago. That's a problem.
Update - might be back in your neighbor's good graces. She liked the framed photo I gave her of me on the tractor with my business out.
By NOT going to the gym, I'm helping my future. I don't want stripping, prostitution, or porn to be viable money making options.
Sarah was butt-chugging wine and diarrhea'd all over the wall
when i saw him today i think my vagina did the equivalent of a stomach growl... its been to long
Well you’re enrolled in an Ivy League grad school and I’m currently at a 2 star holiday inn in rural PA so who is really thriving here
Randomize
