I thought at least he would want to exchange numbers after he tried to put it in my bum
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
im guessing your the one that tried to make bacon in the toaster
Also, the drinking age in Japan is 20. At what point in the sky am I allowed to start downing alcohol?
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
I got my little bro high for the first time... Turns out the two of us stoned together is a mess. We spent 10 minutes trying to communicate with each other using just our eyebrows.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Do you have paint?
Paint? I wish
OMG WHAT ARE YOU DOING
I have good news and bad news. Bad news, she's not in porn. Good news, I found porn.
I literally wonder, frequently, "Will anyone ever fuck me until i go cross eyed for 2 hours again?''
I left him on his mom's lawn after he passed out in my lap and told me my vagina smells like flowers. Couple of the year award
I was eating pickles straight from a jar, contemplating doing something productive. What did I miss?
My last one night stand called me today. Apparently I gave him a yeast infection in his mouth. Not sure how I should feel about this.
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