Someone told me they could tell we were from cincinnati because we say "as fuck" after adjectives
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
So how many shot glasses of coffee grounds make a pot?
As it turns out, strippers don't accept checks.
They told me I stole 50 buns and a bottle of mayo and would whisper in their ears to look under my shirt to see what was for breakfast... benefit of starting to drink at 9 am
What a great world we live in when USPS can tell you that your drugs have been delivered.
Apparently campus cops frown on lighting a joint off of the eternal flame on Jerry Falwell's grave...
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
I was high last night eating a fudge bar and making eggs with toast and corned beef hash for a 2 am snack and my dad asked what I was and the only reply I could think of was "I'm an adult."
How many other adults do you think have slept naked under the Winnie the Pooh blanket sober?
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
Yeeeaahhh, I'm in no rush to dismiss a level 6 booty-call that pays my bar tabs and understands my Harry Potter obsession.
I don't remember anything but bad decisions last night
I know it's my dream I got hurt enough to leave work but not hurt enough to stop drinking
I need to go to St. Louis more often. The brides sorority sisters were practically fighting over me once they heard I work on Wall St.
Randomize
