So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
I told him next time he kisses her to remember where that mouth has been...
How'd that go?
Hes on his way with a baseball bat...
I have to collect my sorority sisters from greek row... I hate how being dd is a night and morning job
Just picture a dyson vacuum with razor blades. That's how it felt.
Those mornings you wake up with a Barbie tramp stamp are the mornings that are the that are going to make me miss this place
last night we stole an a/c window unit from a frat. gonna be a great summer
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
Will you be my therapist? I don't want to tell me secrets to a strange person and be judged all over again when you have already taken the time to do it. Oh and I will pay you with alcohol
So hungover. Walked into room and poached their catering before realized in wrong place. Scowled and ate it anyway
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
My legacy here is being that tiny blonde girl that threw someone down and shouted "Fuck your face, I'm Dee Dee Ramone."
I don't really care where everyone ended up, but is everyone alive and not in jail?
Not in jail
Alive?
Why are your pants in the freezer?
We never leave a bad bitch behind. its a party foul..we'll find you somehow
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