my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
You know, if there were no such thing as marriage, i don't think porn would exist.
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
If she wants to think that freshman 15 means sleeping with 15 guys than so be it I just gotta make sure I'm one of them.
second attempt at shower sex: failed after the water turned orange bc of a fire up the street. this is just not meant to be
Idk. Each time I ask him about double teaming a woman with Dennis Rodman he just giggles. We will never know what to believe.
Immediate regret. She's like a chihuahua on crack.
The only thought that went through my head was "that would be an absolute disaster" so of course I said yes
James is trying to butt-heads with a moose. I don't know whether I should stop him or just sit back and watch where this goes.
He just said his penis sings like Mariah Carey...Im going with drunken.
Just bought a gingerbread house kit and pregnancy tests. Happy holidays.
He skipped an important family function with his dying father to fuck me. Terrible human, amazing fuck buddy.
Science requires me to take a picture of your nipples.
I must stop trying to make out with my friends when I'm hammered.
Clearly the Stanley Cup Finals good luck hand job IS necessary. You let the whole team down.
Randomize
