I'm walking down the halls of our hotel and listening for sex noises and knocking when I do.
I just worked out and used handles of vodka as weights. Whoever said alcoholism is detrimental to you health obviously has no fucking idea.
Bars not open yet, I feel like a desperate alcoholic wandering around outside.
yeah, you were trying to hump the doorman.
when did we get a doorman?
we were also in the wrong building...
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
We dug deep emotionally while eating cereal
No more weed for you
I think Jabba the Hut is dying in the stall next to me.
You know darned well I have a well-documented weakness for redheads, Subway and hand-drawn graphic novels.
I'm pretty sure the rest of my evening will consist of masturbating, drinking tequila and watching children's movies.
I went to smoke a bowl and realized that my lighter is out and there's still frozen blueberries in my bong... I need to reevaluate my life...
I was just informed that I asked for a glass of wine at the police station
I'm sure it would have gone very well with the cigarette you lit there.
Get over your kidney infection all ready. You have been sober for too long.
And then there was cum in my hair and he was making beans.
Randomize
