there are singles shoved down my panties. this is the type of summer job i always wanted.
I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
Still workable. Pretty sure i told her i'd eat her out in the woods.
i was actually impressed that she managed to throw up underwater while scuba diving
Just used your umbrella as a puke sheild. Thanks man.
By the end of the cruise, there was literally nothing in our room he hadn't peed on.
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
I swear to god he's making pineapple onions and cheese. He thinks he's making eggs onions and cheese
I WOKE UP IN A FUCKING DOG BED HOW DO YOU THINK I FEEL
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
I never saw such an emotional argument over yellow vs. spicy mustard.
LOOK, I was 19, and I made a lot of choices with my crotch which I'm weirdly proud of
Yes dear.
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
Please tell me im imagining that i claimed that i was king of the ducks.
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
Randomize
