I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
I told her I was pledging and she immediately proposed to give me head in the bathroom. i love how easy rushees are
i just saw an ambulance and a fire truck pull away from the dorms. it appears somebody actually IS feeling shittier than me today.
I'm sorry I didn't make it out, I got distracted by sparkley boobies.
The bong broke. we're having a little funeral followed by an inaugeration service for the new one
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
Subtly mention that I'm not a lesbian. I would only go for rebecca's nipples because they're pierced and I like shiny things.
You know how hard it is to drive a dirtbike down a road with 2 plants of weed on your lap. Fucking hard
Call me old fashioned but i like to drunk dial a girl 2 or 3 times before sending a dick pic
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
Pretty sure the guy I hooked up with Saturday gave me a buy one get one free coupon for chipotle. Who said nice guys don't exist?
I got your flops too. But yeah you rolled off your raft a bunch of times so we had to ask the white trash squad to help you back on. You bit one of them
There are far too many naked dudes in your apartment, and they aren't even watching porn. I mean seriously, they've got the Lion King on.
If by whore you mean UPGRADE....then yes I am
I would let him fuck me right here in this laundromat. Praise Satan.
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