I'm currently imdbing Helena Bonham Carter to see if there are any pictures of her that don't scare the crap out of me.
Good luck with that.
you dont have to exercise, you threw up last night!
all you kept saying from the spare room was "can you bring me a puke bowl...and the cat"
this whole plan B standoff thing with her is really starting to make me nervous
I just had someone I don't even know on Facebook message me saying it seems like I drink too much and should slow down.
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
You look cute and you are awesome. And that means something coming from a judgmental bitch
I have a new game. It's called "how weird can you act before a guy won't fuck you". I've deducted most guys are willing even if you're batshit insane.
And I might get them triple pierced after that
Damn, I didn't realize you'd declared war on airport metal detectors
I could just tape a camera with a live feed to my head & you could check in on me from time to time
I'm not sure why he thinks weird that I masturbate AND look at pinterest at the same time.
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
PS I almost downloaded grindr to see if any guys wanted to buy me chinese food..
I got dominos and had to stop whilst eating and take a moment of silence for how good it was
Randomize
