i was like a deer caught in headlights with its coke-dick hanging out
I got to stop making out with my boss at work. I think we should just get it overwith, be dissaponted and move on.
my ass has officially been on the floor of every fraternity on this campus
and who said we didn't have goals?
Thanks for convincing the hot dog guy to give me one for $1 after I drunkenly dropped the first one. I loved your reasoning "I know you mark that shit up! I work in retail!"
It's a 'fuck poison control' kind of night.
Do I lose at life if I cry in a grocery store while buying a pregnancy test?
Sheila knows I only go down on her on Bastille Day. Valentine's Day we get high and watch The Neverending Story. THE SYSTEM WORKS.
Tequila Tuesday.. tonight is the night I defeat the liquor.
I have class at 8:30 and I am not bailing you out of the drunk tank again.
Alright if I email the police department asking for my mug shot do you think they will email it to me
Thanks for fingering me to orgasm during Wu-Tang Clan
Dude, he turned on “London Bridge” by Fergie and GAVE ME A LAP DANCE.
I've run into almost every guy I've ever slept with today. It's like they know just how horny I am.
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
I'm sorry for peeing on you last night. Will cookies make up for it?
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
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