youll never guess who i didnt fuck at that party
Sarah Palin just quit. Happy Independence day!
God Bless America!
Tostitos scoops are the best shotglasses ever. Eat it after as a chaser.
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
I feel like if you stuck me in a room with all my old toys it'd be the best high ever.
Mass Text: Free blowjob to first person to bring me a nacho cheese chalupa.
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
I gave her at least chlamydia. Maybe worse. She is also into chicks and loves taking naked pics. It's like the less I believe in Jesus, the more he rewards me.
Being invited to eat tater tots at 1:30am by a rly hot girl then actually only eating tater tots is a major let down. Tasty, but still a let down
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
feelin groggy baby? need a coffee? vitamins? a nice good fuck on the piano?
Omg last night I was giving shots out like I was the Willy Wonka of the alcohol world.
He yelled "I'm Bruce Springsteen!" when he came. This is why I don't sleep with guys from Jersey.
I get off at 11. but they've been letting me go early cuz I've been crying a lot
I apparently lifted the young child over my head yelling "Victory!" after that last game of pool, right before doing some Girls Just Wanna Have Fun karaoke.
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