I just told this girl who bought a pregnancy test "good luck"
ummm i just drove by ur house and ur passed out on the porch. please call me when u get this
what part of what i said meant "bring a bowl"
"bouncy castle"
Dude i swear to christ if he sends me one more pic of a "magnificent dump" im changing my number
I walked into your room and you had fallen asleep smoking a cigarette. You just had the butt in your mouth with ash all over your face.
Did you hook up with him before or after he shaved off half of his eyebrow?
Breaking a step ladder over someone's back turned into a really fun game, way too quickly.
A stranger came up to me, pointed at my drink and asked what it tasted like and proceeded to chug half of it and then walked away.
I fucked him twice and then he set me up with his teammate. This kid does wonders for me
It was the highest I'd ever been. I felt like a blob. A blob eating a burrito.
They asked me my level of pain at the hospital and I told them I called my ex 6 times
It's called life, you pretentious bitch. Grow up.
I want to start a guest book for my bed room so when dudes leave they can write a review
The bad thing is that I bled through my bandages last night and keep finding blood around the house. It's almost like a scavenger hunt for solber me. I get to find out where drunk me went.
He told me that he had never gotten a blow job. I sat there for a second, then thought "I MUST FIX THIS!" It was fucking fantastic.
Randomize
