My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
Btw, I'm really high so I apologize if anything I say gets translated into arabic.
Just passed a Taco Bell Taco Supreme, still in its wrapper, laying in the grass. I'd like a moment of silence.
May it rest in peace.
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
You told him you loved him!?
I mean if he translated "Zi luve ku" as that then yes.
I have a scary feeling my mom might switch her goals from finding me a husband in 2012 to sending me to rehab
We got baked and watched the cheetah girls on Netflix
You need to not admit that.
i seriously haven't spoken to him since i drunk dialed him and told him i loved his beard
He is such a generous lover, I can look past the fact his name is fucking Bob.
If he cant deal with my insomnia and sex drive I really feel sorry for his child and ex fiance. Adulthood breakups are depressing.
WELL I DIDNT KNOW IT WAS POSSIBLE TO COME SO HARD YOU HAVE AN ASTHMA ATTACK BUT HERE I AM
YOU RAISED A SWORD OVER YOUR HEAD AND SCREAMED AT HIM WHAT THE FUCK ELSE DID YOU THINK WOULD HAPPEN?!
Okay everything with a penis is officially dead in my eyes
Fuck the system, do you have any medieval weapons?
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
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