Dont touch anything! You just got rid of your crabs!
Do you think an esthetician would be willing to wax the Chanel Cs into my crotch? That way, whenever a guy gets ready to pound on it I can go "Careful, it's Chanel."
I wonder if she has a lisp when she orgasms...
He gave his mom his old phone, and I am SO paranoid
Did you send adult things?
Um. Yes would be the understatement of the year
Mom is telling us about the time she drank her own breast milk. Help.
A guy in the dance floor is raising the roof with an axe in hand. I love Halloween.
Walked into a bathroom stall to pop an addy for my three back-to-back finals today. Felt like Clark Kent walking into a phonebooth.
I have a magical vagina and I can't deny it anymore
I'm right down the road from AJ's old house and I'm getting mixed feelings. My vagina is remembering good dick. But the rest of me is remembering horrible times.
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
so i showed up to the bars in a sombrero and a tie as a headband... so yeah, they didn't let me in
You threw away your W2 to make more room in your purse for liquor.
she was just meowing in the corner eating frozen chicken nuggets
Randomize
