After 9 shots a girl with a mustache......still not attractive
We were laughing at the passed out guy who had gone to sleep under the car in the McDonald's lot until we realized it was you.
She is two pictures of justin bieber away from being blocked from my news feed
Wash that dress asap. You laid down on the kitchen floor and tried to sweep the floor with your body.
i found him! he's on the front porch using a bag of potting soil as a pillow. i forgot i left him there.
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
He told me he wanted a penis beard so that he could look at girls faces when they gave him blowjobs. i have to say, i kind of admire his creativity
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
The sex was totally worth how awkward its gonna be for the next few weeks
remember when we said that thing when we met about how we were each glad we weren’t furries
ok listen,
Like I'll lick your nuts to make you feel better if you don't get it
And then he tried to convince me that he could wear a condom instead of pants to go out.
It's bullshittery. It's asshattery. It's complete fuckery at its finest.
Randomize
