Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
She's a Laker fan, her sister is a Celtic fan... no matter who wins I'm getting a celebration bj from one of them!
I said i love rain, just to change the subject, and he said 'id like to do it in the rain'. Dear lord. He doesnt stop
he stopped making out with me and said "can I make you grilled cheese? I feel like I owe YOU something"
He looks like he has a penis
What the fuck
A good one, a good penis
Tomorrow morning i will black in to find a christmas tree in my room that i dont remember how i got. I love college
Whoevers house this is has only beer and cream cheese in the fridge. Thats the diet im gonna go on
WHAT THE FUCK. SUCH A BAD IDEA. YOU'RE NO LONGER IN CHARGE OF NOSE SUBSTANCES.
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
Okay so my USC tutor just offered to eat me out. I think I'm definitely applying to USC.
ten seconds after he was done making out with the blonde, he rips off his jacket and screamed "Goddamn it, you know I like brunettes"
I have never seen someone so pissed at getting some. i called dibs so fuck him
P.s. I loved that your balls smelled like coconut
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