just woke up and he was jacking off in the corner.. am i being punked?
Fact: my bamboo plant has grown 2 & 1/2 inches since I started watering it with bong water
If u were an xman, what would ur power be? I would shoot lasers from my boobs.
Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend. I woke up at 7 this morning to drive your mistake home because you wouldn't get up.
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
during a bj, his alarm went off and he said "At the buzzer"
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
I just want dates and sex but the option to have that with whoever whenever I want
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
My mom just asked me if I can obtain a fake ID by thursday
Oh. I'm probably going to just get a viagra and ruin your life.
I may be going to Mexico. I just met a drug dealer at a strip club. Seems legit.
Car is still out of commission. Looks like it's Grape Nuts and scotch for dinner.
My boyfriend and my fuck buddy are going to the strip club together... Should I be concerned?
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