Our relationship is like that beach boys song "help me Rhonda" and I'm fucking Rhonda. And Rhondas's the whore in case you've never heard it.
He is like that thing on the menu you would eat because nothing else looks remotely edible.
I just spent an unhealthy amount of money overnighting a full adult sized Trix Rabbit Halloween costume
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
Hooking up with one of the deadbeat dads from Teen Mom does not qualify as banging a celebrity.
All I know is that it's pretty damn mean to put a glass wall in a bar.
No no I got the black eyes when I tried to do a flip off the second deck of a pontoon boat. Actually when I did a flip, it was a success.
I tried to sit on a barstool last night...it was an open trashcan.
Tried to ride the mechanical bull pants less, got punched for making out with some lesbians wife, and you tipped the bartender with a can of skoal.
I regret nothing
My liver just had a heart attack.
Ugh. I guess I'm crying loudly or something. My mom just came in and gave me milk, chocolate, a Xanax, and her weed "for the break up blues". Her ways of affection are so odd.
Me and Jason had to grab your legs and arms and drag you in the house. You kept screaming "leave me for dead"
I'm getting 800 nuggets from McDonald's
the best part is that i get to keep the pot plants and he still has my name tattooed on his ass
Last night we proved the theory that "harder" is the worst rough sex safe-word ever.
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