My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
I either date the nice guys or the assholes. There isn't any in between.
You need to find a taint.
New discovery: doing the Helen Keller is not as attractive as I thought it would be, in reference to the sex noises.
I really wish I didn't have to wear pants this is ridiculous
my life trainwreck boards at 9:30
Good lord, they've set up every firework to be ignited by a trail of gasoline at midnight. God save us all.
we are both sitting on my bed desperately refreshing the order tracking page for dominos.
His wife found out about our affair the same day he got fired for it.
Can we have a celebratory fuck now that the lockout is over?
You're the best girlfriend ever.
A houseboat for a bachelor party is a terrible idea, we nearly die when on dry land, so how the hell are we supposed to survive a 3 day binge on a massive lake?
Imagine getting smashed in the dick by a basketball. A basketball made of metal. With spikes. That's pretty much what his dick looked like.
the bruises from climbing out of the window last night make sitting at my desk impossible. legit excuse to not study right?
buying a tattoo gun on ebay just sounded like a good idea at the time idk man
Just watched a girl fall down the stair and be to drunk to get up. The only stair in the bar. It's like watching a turtle on it's back.
He offered to take me to my appointment after breakfast then kind of just sat there and watched me get a papsmier. Most awkward first date ever.
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