did you mean anything you said last night? i just wnna know
no
just credit carded her and her mom at the same time... that drunk. get on my level
it is entirely possible that the police will be knocking on the door in 25 minutes
Just found a partially digested mushroom under my bed. Thanks for that.
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
I'm wearing a real bra and real shoes. I look like a fucking lady.
WHY IN THE FUCK DID YOU LET ME DRUNK PUNCH STEVE? HE IS SUCH A NICE GUY!
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
Dude. Once again. Cleaning house. Found weed I hid from myself a month ago. Celebrating/testing it out. if i dont text back in 10, call dominos.
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
He was doing dishes, naked. I dropped to my knees and gave him head. Teamwork level- pro..
I HAVE TOO MICH DICK TALKING TO ME IDK WHAT TO DO.
He tried to do a JoJo pose and wound up breaking his wrist in the process. Truly a story for the ages.
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
100000% expect a picture of my ass in them
Randomize
