dude, that chick is coming to see me and stay for 2 nights. I'm hitting the 3rd in the trifecta of friends.
You're one hell of a depraved bastard dude, I'm borderline speechless. You officially win.
They all have matching tattoos so they're all official bffs. I love my life.
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
Idk. I woke up marinating in beer on my beanbag. Idk what you mightve done.
You never cared about felonies while buying me alcohol from the little Asian woman across the street
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I miss college girls! You know how depressing it is to fuck 30 year olds? That's what failure feels like
I don't know which is worse, the fact that he can say will you fuck me in so many languages or that I'm turned on because of that
That bar is one yeast infection away from total annihilation.
My mom just found my nipple clamps...... oh God why....
Yeeeaahhh, I'm in no rush to dismiss a level 6 booty-call that pays my bar tabs and understands my Harry Potter obsession.
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This is even better than the wine from my laundry basket
Happy "I'm glad our dad made us sisters and then summarily downgraded himself to sperm donor" day.
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
I just gotta say that I feel so much better now that I got some. I mean I feel like a normal functioning adult ready to contribute to society.
well, shes hot as hell, but she does keep saying she's the president of the loch ness monster's fan club, so that's kinda a red flag...
Thank you for being so charming, but do you have syphilis?
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