it was like his penis was on wheels.
So I have exactly 420 dollars saved up in tips from the past week. I win, and I take that as a sign from god that I am allowed to use that money to buy drugs.
It usually only happens when Im really excited. Normally not that fast. You still enjoy it?
I am drinking ovaltine with peppermint schnapps. My childhood could have been so much better.
In Berlin they just cured HIV with stem cells. I am hereby fucking anything that moves.
He asked me out while I'm back in town. I have to acknowledge and honor his persistence.
Your vagina must be laced with cocaine...
I just had a threesome in the back of my mom's van. I'm pretty sure the rest of my week is going to be epic.
I saw a picture of my dad holding my legs in a kegstand. Town festival=success.
If you don't let me come over I'm gonna call you on speaker and you have to listen to her scream and moan too
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
I'm going to need a Jurassic park sized pooper scooper to deal with all this shit last night caused.
I'm staying at his house to solve the homeless situation. There's a freezer bag of weed in the fridge. He doesn't know it's there, and he's not missing it so I may have an income soon.
I'm sorry for getting drunk and throwing a robo-bird at you.
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
You know the rule about how you feel bad for getting food and not offering other people you're around, does that apply when you eat burger king at a strip club?
Randomize
