Woke up this morning at my parent's house. No idea how I got here... what happened last night? Was it bad?
We using my standards or yours?
Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
you'd be confused too if you woke up to pictures of a ghostbuster doing body shots off you.
I can totally hide my daquiri in my sling.
Dude just fell down the stars trying to leave class early, the prof just looks down at him and says"thats what you get"
his pick up line was "wanna get a pizza and fuck?"
did it work
that's not the point...
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
We are not on the "bring me breakfast" level. He's bringing me penis if I ask for breakfast too I'll just sound greedy
I just laid my head on this pillow and I smelt your penis. It was comforting.
A "Tom-vomit" is when you puke but cough as it comes up, so you close you mouth as a natural reaction and the vomit is jet-propelled out your noise.
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
Let me get this straight, you're telling me to lower my standards? Even though last week you told me I don't have any..?
if i bang your brother are we still cool?
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
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