2 nights ago she wants to see other people, tonight she wants to have a threesome. The GOOD kind of threesome. So... win?
Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
what do you mean I googled how to give an awesome blow job?
my lips still taste like vagina
so you liked breakfast?
ehh, still wish we woulda went to IHOP instead
There is a guy standing at my bar right now wearing an affliction SUIT. I can't wait on him.
I don't remember how we paid for the cab. I do however remember giving him my heels 2 help with the bill.
I don't remember his name but he sat in the bathroom and gave us both advice...
Sophomore year, I fucked on your desk chair. I'm sorry. I love you.
If turning my entire backyard into a slip-n-slide is wrong then I don't wanna be right
for breakfast I had vodka and flavor blasted goldfish. and I'm topless.
For public speaking we have to bring an object that describes us to class. Can't decide if I wanna bring a flask or a shot glass.
Drinking ketchup directly out of the bottle does not make it tomato juice.
I can't straight up say the only reason I smoked a couple bowls with you was for your three legged cat
If you fall asleep, my vagina and I will never forgive you.
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
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