I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
I am too pretty for them to be this angry at me.
I just realized I'm trading you a pregnancy test for the morning after pill...
It's been a bad semester.
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
FACE TIME HER WHILE YOU GUYS BANG
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
alcohol and riverdancing are a dangerous mix. have a spraind ankle. i die now
It's five in the morning. wtf?
how I know last night was a good night: this morning I found a bottle of tapatio, a bag of chicken and a bag of popcorn in my purse.
Found sauce from last night's pizza rolls wedged under my phone case... While sitting in my 8 am class. What happened last night?
You can't just say "I scored us a potential threesome" and then not text me back.
i got pulled over completely sober but looking like death. dick cop made me do a field sobriety test. he also said "no sober person could have 7 BK bags"
We had sex to Hey Arnold, Rugrats, and All That. I feel like my life has come full circle.
Almost ran out to the street bowl in hand when I hear the ice cream truck pull up outside.
Everything about that text makes me proud to be your sister.
i want to say his dick was in it but not his heart
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