I'll show rhose boucners: You don't let me in, I poop on your pool.
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
Just opened a bottle with my rape whistle. At least it's finally getting used for something.
i told them to call me paula dean as i was making all 10 for $10 boxes of pizza rolls in the microwave
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
Drunk me made out with someone's girlfriend last night, was invited to their place for a semi-threesome, and then walked home at three am. Can't decide if this is better or worse than drunkenly challenging everyone to taekwondo sparring matches...
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
For both our sake, we've decided to ban watching combat sports before sex
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
Well now you know not to take drugs from your friends. Take it from stangers. They're more reliable.
Went to open youtube this morning, and the last search was "ten hours of whale sounds" Best pillow talk ever!
Just cuz u chase vodka with sweet tea doesn't make it sweet tea vodka
Bad part of last night: I puked in my hair. Good part of last night: I assembled a posse.
You kept pulling me aside saying "look what I found"
my personal favorite... An "I'm sorry you broke your finger and cant play sports for awhile" blowjob!
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