Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
im pretty sure there are laws against slapping prostitutes
i'm pretty sure there are laws against prostitutes.
im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
being a part time student has turned me into a full time alcoholic.
so jimmy johns showed up at our party last night. our house is sponsored now. living the dream.
I want to say that being forced to stare at the 'no.1 boyfriend' collage behind his head ruined the sex but it just didn't.
I was passed out in a dog food bowl tor two hours. Just tapped my dinner beer. I love homecoming.
His penis contains the glue that keeps this relationship together.
About to be a 4Loko vomit fountain in 45 seconds, what color will it be? Animated birds will fly out of me.
I am on top of a rooftop peeing on your freedom
Look. When I let you cum on my tits don't fuck it all up by going "SKEET SKEET SKEET" it just pisses me off.
I mean, I already put pants on today. We're already halfway there
The Wolf of Wall Street “I ain’t fuckin’ leaving!” speech when the cops broke up your party though...
One singular head for man, one giant climax for mankind
IM HAMMERED AND JUST HAD CHEESECAKE THAT MADE ME FEEL LIKE NO MAN HAS EVER MADE BE FEEL BEFORE.
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