Dear tim. Christina farted and it smells like kid roses.
If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
Remember when we did the egg drop from the Dyson building? Her vag is like that, except with a ham, and the ham doesn't make it. I'll be back to the apartment in ten.
Its a three day weekend with Valentines day thrown in... Im obligated to get drunk
You had a towel around you and you called it your shot bib.
He got punched in the face, dropped his laptop down a flight of stairs, and broke his roommate's lava lamp, getting all the toxic lava goo everywhere. This is why we don't let him get drunk. And yet here we are.
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
We can get high as fuck when there are no orders. If not its cool. I just figured Take Your Blunt Buddy To Work Day.
Bobbing for jello shots in a bucket of long island. Fast track to alcohol poisoning.
I am lonely and hungry. I need a girlfriend, but I'd settle for my mom.
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
Just come here quick. I'm home in 3min. It will take you literally less than 5 to walk. Then 2 to undress, 16 to fuck, 2 to dress again and 5 to walk back..!!
exactly 16 eh??
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
Randomize
