I can't remember last night. I must have yelled at your girlfriend til she cried again.
Yup.
if I see one grey pube I'm spitting his penis out!
We just made mixed drinks in the bathroom of burger king. This is sad.
Just tried on my bathing suit for the first time this year. Had to drink a beer to numb the pain.
This place doesnt have redbull or serve shots. Its like they are at war with fun.
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
you are never too drunk for berry picking
And he came by and picked me up. We cuddled in his car then had sex until... an officer doing his rounds put a spotlight on crazy haired, naked me straddling him.
Like he was inside me when I made eye contact with a police man.
Although now I have "number of cheese slices" as a unit of boob measurement in my head.
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
I mean it's up to you where you want to sleep but I'm telling you you're going to hear us have sex no matter what room you're in.
Fair enough
he made that chewbacca noise when he came. like father like son i guess.
She woke up next me in bed and told me to stop driving so fast.
don't think less of me for this, but i'm pretty sure he did a line off my boob last night.
Randomize
