I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
He got 20 stiches.. Who knew so much damage could come from a single shopping cart.
Is there a word for someone who only has sex with NFL prospects?
yeah...that's gonna come up in court
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
Sometimes I really think that if... When your stoned you have a catlike ability to just relax in any position
Did we smoke in a portapotty last night? And if so, do you think the brown stuff covering my body is actually dirt?
I truly wish I could say I pulled my groin straddling our cab driver but unfortunately I cannot
I'm hungry, horney and thirsty. Pick two you want to help out with.(please pick horney)
I'm gonna have to kick a girl scouts ass...
I think I pulled a muscle in my tongue.
sorry? thank you? I love you?
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
At about 2:30 i found you passed out in my closet with your face covered in cheese whiz
I feel like I'm in a astronaut outfit like I'm a spaceman & I'm just floating around cause that's all you do in space is float and I'm floating to be in detail
Houston we have a problem
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