He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
I blacked out after you got about 8 goldfish out of the tank and put them in your pockets. We're not allowed back. It was a sucky Walmart anyway...
If I don't end up being a booty call for Valentine's Day, you wanna go to the movies?
Be there soon... with munchies, blow jobs and shoulder rubs.
don't trust your eyes. just sniff them. if they smell like axe, they are broke, move on to the next.
On a scale from 1 to the worst weekend of my life, that was an 11. I can see again, though.
On a side note Tyler is buying beer from a gas station in a panda suit priceless
Booty calls should never involve the cops.
My dad made a joke about you sending me strippers for valentine's day so clearly everything here is normal
I may have just sent her dad a picture of my penis. His name's Myron, right?
yknow last night was like... the third night in a row alex woke me up to make sure i wasn't dead and tbh it's sorta sweet.
While strippers were eating ones out of my boobs, several sources claimed trump shared classified info with the russians. We should get hammered on Mondays more often, bitch.
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
the universe is starting to freak me out.. ive now had sex with 3 people who were born on the same day..
Randomize
